there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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