It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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