i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
