i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
