Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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