Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
