hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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