Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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