ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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