he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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