I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
from now on my penis is your penis
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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