I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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