You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
