I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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