My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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