plz talk dirty to me
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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