How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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