At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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