God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
