you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
