Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
