At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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