he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
