I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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