it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
