My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
