I just threw up on my dentist
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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