My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Randomize
