Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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