sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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