I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
