I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
