Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
did you just send me my own nude
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
