I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
