I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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