my vag is so smooth its legendary
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
