Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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