Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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