You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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