once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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