Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
