hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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