i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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