its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
