Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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