It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
