I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Please don't give away my fajitas
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