i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
