Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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