I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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