I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
