my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
