it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
