Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
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