My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
