When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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