Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
