I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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