Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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