Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
